Part of the 10 Essential Concepts That You Might Find Helpful Once You Become an Adult! series.
(Written by a non-adult)
Part 1: How to Leave a Cult
All of you will probably experience a fun night where things get a little too out of control. Some of you might do things you regret the night after. Or immediately after.
Some of you might have accidentally joined a cult.
But we understand. Some people just get crazy and want to do something wild. Some people join cults as a coping mechanism.
Never fear! Just remember these simple steps to get you out of there!
Step 1: Get yourself under control. Nothing will go right if you aren’t thinking clearly. Try to get ahold of yourself as much as possible. How much do you remember until this point? If you remember almost everything, this will be easier. If not, you can still escape, but with a bit more difficulty. Follow the following steps for best results.
Step 2: Assess your surroundings. Is this cult a violent one? Is it the famous Illuminati organization? Is it just the Scientology church that’s across your street? Maybe it’s just a book club that’s reading the necronomicon as a change of pace. In any case, it is in your best interest to find out if you are in any immediate danger. If not, it is probably easiest to simply sneak out the back door.
Step 3: Find out if you have been officially initiated yet. Or find out if there is a grace period in which a new member may leave the cult without consequence. It is not preferred that you ask members about this if the cult is a violent one.
Step 4: Try to find anybody you recognize. Depending on the size of the cult or the clothing the cult members wear, this step may take some time. Whether it’s your closest friend that you thought you were with the night before, or your weird uncle that you only see at Thanksgiving dinners, try to look for a familiar face.
Step 5: If you are unable to find a person you recognize, try to find the person in the highest leadership position.
Step 6: Tell the person, whether it be a person you know or the highest in command, that this relationship with the cult will not work out, and that you want to see other possibilities. Inform them that it is not the cult, but you who is the problem. They should somehow let you out, either by introducing you the exit, or violently throwing you out of the meeting place. You might even finding yourself lying face down on your lawn at 3 A.M. with little to memory of what happened. Any option means that you have probably safely left the cult.
Step 6, part 2: If the reaction is not that favorable, run. And hope for the best.
(If anyone could tell me if you thought this was even remotely funny, I’d appreciate it. A lot. I wrote this with the idea of making it into a High School Band Camp skit. All of our previous skits have gotten terrible reactions, and since this is my last year at band camp, I want to make a relatively good, enjoyable skit that won’t end in me humiliating myself for the sake of one laugh from the audience. No idea if this is appropriate or if my section will like this at all.)
There is a narrator standing off to the side, preferably someone who can keep a straight face the entire time. ____(Main character) stands among a crowd of people, wearing strange identical costumes. Masks are a good prop, although for skit purposes, this may not be a very good idea.
Narrator: Here you see _____, who was peer pressured by their friends to join this cult. They do not want to be here.
____: Why did I think this was a good idea? I want out!
Narrator: First, they must stay calm. Get in control of themselves.
____: Okay, okay. Stay calm. You can get out of this.
Narrator: Next, they should determine if they really are in danger. They must assess their surroundings.
____: Well, maybe they aren’t that bad! Maybe they really aren’t a violent, evil cult. I’ll stay a bit longer, to check out what’s going to happen.
Narrator: Looks like ____’s doing a good job following the steps. Their next step should be finding someone they know.
____: My friends should be here. But we’re all wearing masks…
____: (Calling out to a random member) Umm, excuse me!
____: I-I’m new here. What do we normally do at these… meetings?
Member: How did you get introduced?
____: Oh, my friend should be here! I think… ____? Have you heard of them?
Other members start to surround ____. They get more and more anxious.
Narrator: Always remember step one, because your confidence is highly important here. At this point, it is best to ask for the person in charge.
____: Um… may I ask who is your leader?
Members become visibly offended/aggravated
Members: (Talking over each other) Leader? We are our own leaders! What blasphemy!
Other members come closer and closer to poor ____
Narrator: At this point, the member should have been introduced to the leader, allowing them to tell them their situation.
____: Wait! hold on-
Narrator dialogue and the character’s dialogue should overlap at this point.
Narrator: ____ should now be on their way to being free. After they ask the leader if they can leave, the leader should somehow let ____ out.
Members close in and encase ____. They should no longer be seen by the audience. A hand/arm/limb may stick up out of the crowd.
____: Wait! No! Narrator guy! Help me!
Narrator: And there you have it! In a few simple steps, you should be out and about as a free man!
____: No! Help me! Help m-
____’s words are muffled as the cult members drag them offstage. The narrator smiles and bows politely.
Narrator: Thank you! I hope you enjoyed this program, and I sincerely hope that next time you experience this conundrum, you will remember this program and think of these steps. Join us next time for “_________”.
____: Off stage or poking their head out from the side. Loudly. Help me! Dragged off again.
Narrator: I’m _____. Thank you, and goodnight.